Me (kicking down the door): Goood Morniiiinnng the-Internetttttt !!!
You (looking up from your Google search (Is Jacob Elordi Hot or Just Tall?): Oh, you again.
Me: Why is it always Oh, You Again and never Here She Is!!!
You: Because you’re always here?
Me: True story. Anyway, are we ok to run this interview format again? I prefer not to think in paragraphs today.
You: Fine. This is better for skimming anyway. What’s the occasion this time?
Me: I’m celebrating One Whole Year on Substack!
You: That’s not a thing.
Me: Totally is. Loads of people talk about this.
You: Why?
Me: I’m not sure, but maybe if we talk about it, I’ll find out.
You: I have a root canal in twenty that I’m really looking forward to. How long will this take?
Me: Not as long as the post I was going to write: ‘Me and All the Pencil Cases that made Me the Writer I am Today’.
You: Spare us!
Me: Gesundheit. So, this week marks one year since I joined Substack and started posting.
You: Congratulations, I guess.
Me: Thanks babe. It’s actually not been that much of a chore? And I really look forward to doing it?
You: This doesn’t sound like something you should be congratulated on.
Me: Ok I’ll make it sound worse. It’s taken absolute dedication, resolution and commitment to cultivate this online personal space. I’ve posted at least once a week for an entire year now. I don’t know that I’ve ever done anything voluntary every week for a year?! This is my 70th post! I’ve shown up over holidays, birthdays and during those times where I had almost nothing to say.
You: *shudders* Yeah, I remember those.
Me: So I think, that as I’m approaching 1100 subscribers, it’s time to pat myself on the back a little.
You: You literally do that every week in Notes.
Me: MAYBE PAT SOME OF MY BACK THEN??
You: What’s so great about those numbers anyway? Loads of people have way more than you.
Me: Yes, but I’m defying the rules of success by not actually being that successful and acting as if I am. Plus, I didn’t import a mailing list when I joined Substack and as Twitter practically died (RIP that 40 feral hog day) around the time I came here; I’ve had almost nowhere to promote. My first post had one recipient and it was me.
You: Yeah… don’t say that bit in public.
Me: But I’ve built this audience through sheer obstinance… and chat!
You: Ok?
Me: Plus *cha-ching* some of my readers pay me now. *Email notification from Stripe: Your Payout of £2.88 is on its way!*
You: No way does anyone pay you for this. You mean like, your parents?
Me: Well, yes, them, and a bunch of others. At the time of writing, I’ve got… *counts on fingers* 73 paid subscribers, and do you know how many people have taken out paid subscriptions and then cancelled them?
You: 71?
Me: Two people – and one of them left the whole platform… I don’t think it was anything to do with me.
You: Wow, I mean, I feel like you want me to be impressed but I have absolutely no point of reference for this data, also, I don’t care.
Me: You’re right not to get hung up on the numbers. But for me it suggests things are going in the right direction, and considering this time last year I barely knew this platform existed, that’s quite cool. *slurps a small £2.80 Americano*
You: So, if you’re here all the time, are you not getting much other writing done?
My agent, Louise Lamont of LBA Books: Good question.
Me: Actually, I’m writing more!
You: *retches*
Me: Publishing regularly on Substack is keeping me connected to myself as a writer who actually gets read by other people. I’m not working on something for months at a time before showing it to anyone, I’m sharing my work every week, and my confidence is responding to that.
You: Maybe your confidence should check itself a little. Can we wind this up now? *Humming loudly*
Me: *JUST TALKING LOUDER* I haven’t published enough books yet for them not to feel like flukes. I can explain myself out of any suggestion I might have earned the things that have come to me. This deal was just this deal. That book only happened because of that. But, I don’t think I’ll feel that about my next book (The Tour, Walker Books, Sept 24) and I definitely don’t feel that way about this Substack. I’ve only ever been myself here, and your support has made it ok for me to write like me, here, and in my other writing, too.
You: We weren’t to know…
Me: Can I just say thank you, properly, without you taking the piss?
You: *sigh* Go on then.
Me: Thanks. *looks to camera* Thank you. *Other camera* Thank you. *Central camera* And most of all, thank you. I’m not going to get too mushy here because I’m hopeful that you’re enjoying my work and you feel it’s worthwhile being a subscriber - free or paid. You’re not doing it as a favour to me, and while it certainly isn’t a chore, I do put a lot of myself into this work and I’m so grateful that so many of you feel that’s of value. My Substack isn’t instructional and it’s rarely informative, so it can be difficult to think of it on the same terms as a newsletter that delivers a course, or shares tips or teaches you about some part of the world or its history. I don’t have those skills and I’m well aware that the tight-rope of writing about my writing has the potential to snap at any moment under the sagging weight of suddenly being the most tedious and self-involved thing in the world. That’s why I also write about books I’ve loved and TV programmes I’m not sure about. Oh, and the bookshop. Writing about the bookshop has been so satisfying and I love that people enjoy these posts so much. This week will be the 20th consecutive week I’ve published a Receipt from the Bookshop. Adding this regular feature definitely gave my Substack a boost, and it makes dull days in the bookshop a bit brighter for me, too.
You: So are you going to give us some Super Obvious Tips for how to grow our own Substacks now?
Me: Hell no. I’m not here to help you grow your audiences, you’re here to be mine. But if it is of any comfort, I’ll tell you that I’ve never paid for any How to Grow Your Substack tips. I don’t have a snazzy logo or custom graphics. I don’t plan my posts in advance. I don’t have a strategy. I don’t have goals. Most times I don’t even check that my links work. I don’t write good titles. I steal pictures from Google. I haven’t tried the podcast function or made a video. I haven’t collaborated with any other writers and I don’t recommend writers that I don’t read. I don’t share my links with X anymore. I don’t have my Substack on my email signature. I don’t tell customers in the bookshop about it in case I want to write about them and I don’t tell my friends that I see face to face. I post every single week but beyond that I probably haven’t done much more than the bare minimum that anyone could do to be good at this, and it’s still going ok.
You: Kind of seems like you’re showing off now.
Me: What else did you expect an anniversary post to be for?
You: *Unsubscribes*
(Me: If you’re still here, you’re a legend and I love you. Sincerely, thank you SO much for reading, recommending, restacking and whatever else you do. It means a lot. No joke.)
Ok LOL, this was brilliant! Thanks for the laugh, and the reminder to just keep doing what we’re doing. I almost clicked the purchase button on a $35 substack workshop this weekend and I’m SO glad I didn’t. I’m not even sure what came over me, I feel bombarded with “grow your substack” content lately and maybe just wanted it to go away? Anyway, lovely post. xx
Sorry to break it to you Katie...but the cat is out of the bag with Crossover Book Club.... (girls , she noticed!) . But well done...this has def 'invigorated your percolator' in the words of a well-known literary toad.