Receipt from the Bookshop #19
What do you call a policeman with bananas in his ears?... Anything you like; he can’t hear you.
Hello, it is I, your local independent bookseller with another gripping tell-all update live from the bookshop.
Extremely lovely day here in St. Annes on Sea today. Blue skies, bright winter sun and a strong waft of Marijuana in the air (so festive!) Body-wise, I’ve applied the first base layer1 of the year and my neck will not be seen again until Spring. I’ve remembered to bring a hot lunch (instant Nissan noodles yesss!) and before I even opened this draft a lady came into the shop… but only to collect a book she’d ordered and already paid for, so no actual money in the till, but felt like a good omen none the less.
Come On Friday, Let’s Be Avin’ You! (which is also where Policemen live - 999, Letsby Avenue.)
These posts will remain free, with comments open so you can send me queries like ‘What did the policeman say to his tummy?’2 and ‘Why are all your jokes about policemen?’3
Another lady in the shop! “I’m here to collect a book.” Ah, but this one has not yet been paid for, making our first sale of the day Robin Stevens’ The Body in the Blitz! Huzzah! Ker-ching! …£7.99 please.
My till takes a while to wake up and understand that business is occurring and I smile at the customer “computer is a bit slow this morning.”
“Yes” she says “It was the other day as well.”
Postie’s here with a couple of copies of Stuart Broad’s autobiography. Guess the title. Go on. It’s… Broadly Speaking. Christ, I hope I never get famous and have to pun my own name. Not that there’s much fun to be had with mine. Something about Clapham Junction (the bookshop that was not as busy as…) or Clapham Common (rude.)? What’s the best memoir pun you’ve heard? What’s the terrible title of your autobiography?
Another delivery, this time it’s three copies of the new book from astronaut man Tim Peake. I just googled him to remind myself what he looks like. People have been asking Google some very strange questions about him;
‘Does Tim Peake have a wife?’ (Yes, calm down).
’Is Tim Peak a ginger?’ I particularly like the use of ‘a’ in this question, and the formality of Google’s answer: British astronaut Tim Peake's red hair makes him a subject of interest on the International Space Station. (Yes, Tim, tell us what it’s like to be A Ginger in space - we’re interested in this subject, internationally.)
It’s also quite nice to read some of the questions aloud and imagine them as lines in a Dr Seuss book: ‘Where did Tim Peak sleep?’, ‘What did Tim Peak eat?’ and ‘What language does Tim Peak speak?’
Husband appears in the shop to check if I need anything. I do, and it’s a wee. “I’m so glad you’re here!” *immediately runs off*
Next customer in asks my favourite question : Is it true you have a book club and can I join? Yes, she can, and yes, you can, even remotely. (This is what we’re reading this month!)
Proof parcel from my favourites, Daunt Books. Editor extraordinaire Marigold has sent me four upcoming titles (Thaaaaanks!) that we should all pay attention to.
Buckle Up, Bookleheads, we’re going in…
In Italy by Cynthia Zarin - From acclaimed poet and New Yorker Writer comes this meditation on four italian spaces. Leanne Shapton says this book is like suitcases packed with ‘secrets, confidences, confessions’. It’s £6.99. I don’t know why you wouldn’t?
The Time of Cherries by Monserrat Roig - Colm Toibin says Roig was a ‘shining light of Catalan literature.’ Published in English for the first time here (translated by Booker International Shortlisted Julia Sanches), with a new foreward by Wendy Erskine, this beloved classic novel will delight fans of Annie Ernaux and Simone de Beauvoir. Marigold says this one ‘weaves gossip with politics, friendship with feuds, objects with secrets’ to ‘create a richly evocative portrait of a city and its people as they yearn for the dawning of a new era while grappling with the ghosts of their past.’ And I say, the cover is so appealing, I’d buy this one on sight.
Headshot by Rita Bullwinkel - I can’t wait to get into the ring with this lean opponent. After my transformative experience with Kathryn Scanlan’s Kick the Latch, my entire sports-book-personality is Ok, but is it from Daunt? This debut about eight teen girl boxers sounds like an absolute smasher and its structure ‘as a series of face-offs’ speaks to my soul. This would be a no-brainer purchase for me so I’m hoping it’s going to be a knock-out.
Some Strange Music Draws Me In by Griffin Hansbury - Haven’t got a purchase link for this one yet but make a note because this coming-of-age novel and ‘story of transgender awakening’ sounds completely absorbing. Here’s the opening (Sold!):
It happened that green and crazy summer when I was thirteen years old. A stolen first line, slightly altered, because I’m not much of a writer, but I have been something of a thief. And a liar. I might as well admit that up front. It was a lie and theft that made everything go haywire that summer.
Lunchtime lull. Made a cup of tea that I drank so fast and so hot it had burned my insides before I realised. Ate my noodles in the privacy of my own picture book department (lurked in the back of the shop so no one who immediately entered would see me with Teriyaki sauce on my face.) Sat on the radiator for a bit. Made another cup of tea.
Accidentally made eye contact with someone wearing a lanyard outside. Please don’t come in and try to sell me something.
No toys in there.
(There are, actually, but you have to come inside to see them*)
*this came out creepier than I meant it to.
Phone rang. It was for Business Mum and they’ll have to ring back another time. Phew.
I’ve had a big jump in subscriptions to this newsletter recently (I think it’s because of
) so let me say a specific hello if you’re new here and a huge thanks for subscribing. I hit 1000 subscribers this week and had a few more readers convert to paid, which absolutely thrills me and keeps me inPaid subscribers get an additional essay/book review every week (Receipts remain free!) and access to my book club. This week’s piece for paid subscribers was about raising the stakes in my writing, and my sneaky Santa Claus strategy.
A lady comes in to ask for the new David Williams book and I’m suddenly wondering if anyone else in the world is called Walliams, or did he make that name up to not be Williams? Google says he did exactly that. PREDICTABLE MOVE, DAVE. I tell the lady how much his new book is and she whips out her phone in response, so I know we’re not making that sale today. Never mind.
A little girl places a wooden pig on the counter and says, with quiet determination, “I want this pig”. Thankfully, her mum agrees to make the purchase because I could feel the specific need to own this small thing radiating from her and I really wanted this tiny girl to realise her newly appointed destiny as protector of this pig. I have known the need for a little wooden animal in my time. I understand that connection to palm-sized objects that have faces; once you lock eyes, it shouldn’t be ignored.
Sold two advent calendars today, thank god. We’ve got a window full of them and December waits for no one! That said, none of them are perishable so if we don’t sell them this year they’ll go in storage until the next. Just sold this one - what a whopper! I personally enjoy an advent book with my daughter - we just eat chocolate every day anyway?? This year I want to get this one by Lucy Browridge and Eunyoung Seo.
Beloved and loyal customer comes in and buys a stack of hardbacks which is a real boost for the day’s takings, and then we have a good rant about the price of sanitary products which is a real boost for my feminism, which was feeling a bit faint after I spent twenty minutes looking at photos of Elvis. Again.
Really normal transaction in which a customer browsed the shop and then bought a book. It happens!
Advent calendars didn’t used to have chocolate in them!
(Our window display continues to delight adults and appal children)
Ooooh nearly got a last minute sale on the Harry Potter Advent Calendar but the customer decided £30 was a lot for someone who ‘might not be into Harry Potter that much.’ I absolutely concur. If someone spent £30 on an advent calendar for me that didn’t even have any lip balm in it I’d be miffed. £30 on wizard paper? You’re a muggins, Harry! £250 on facial treats? You’re vision, Harry!
Obviously if you’re a major fan of Hazza P this advent calendar is probably IDEAL and £30 will seem like a Fantastic Beast of a bargain and I’m the muggins wasting my money on magic potions hyaluronic acids and glow serums. Anyway, I hope someone wants this calendar as much as that girl wanted that pig, but I am going to discount it a bit because £30 is a lot, Harry.
4.50 I’m closing the door. I’ve kept it open ALL day and I can’t feel my fingers anymore. Byeeeeee!
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Uniqlo Heat-Tech turtleneck
You’re under a vest.
I've had a bit of a gloomy day and this has cheered me up no end. Thank you. The 11 year old is half way through The Body in the Blitz and is hugely enjoying it. This dispatch has also reminded me that I have one of the advent calendars mentioned waiting for me for December 1st and it isn't the Harry Potter one.... Well done on 1000!
Your 'receipts' start my weekend with a smile. I'm a long way from your bookshop (south west England) but I feel like I pop in for a chat every week. I loved seeing a picture of it (it looks exactly how I imagined, and exactly how a bookshop should look). When I have the funds to pay sub a third stack, I think it will be you!